Unbreakable Woman Blog

I think our culture’s approach to women’s safety is all wrong. If you’re trying to figure out how to make something float, you can’t focus on the sinking problem.

By emphasizing the need for women to learn how to fight, we’re saying the problem is that we’re physically weaker and lack the combat skills of our would-be attacker. If women just knew how to fight, we wouldn’t have a problem. This is not the problem at all. This is a difference between men and women. We’re focusing on one, ubiquitous differentiating factor between the male and the female of our species as if that inequity is the problem. That is not the problem.

The problem is that there are mentally unstable, emasculated, broken boys and men everywhere. Their self-perceived powerlessness is an infinite void within that traps them in a constant state of emotional anguish. They are on the hunt for something to make them feel better. A salve that brings them comfort, that fills the void, albeit temporary. Their salve is taking power away from someone else. Some people medicate with alcohol or drugs. These sociopaths medicate by stealing your power and imposing their will upon you.

The way to be safe in a world full of such people is to avoid such people. Even if you know how to fight, the idea is to never use those skills. It’s usually when all other survival signals have been ignored or rationalized away that physical self-defense becomes necessary. It’s not the smartest choice.

A smart safety strategy is includes a few principles.

First, be aware that these emotionally terrified boys and men are walking through your world. When is an animal dangerous and unpredictable? When they are scared. Don’t assume that everyone you interact with is emotionally balanced and/or capable of civilized behavior. It’s lovely that you are, but not everyone is like you.

Second, listen to your intuition. I promise you, it’s working 24-7 to keep you safe. You just need to be open to listening to it. If you get a gut feeling about someone or something, go with your gut. Your intuition is excellent at sniffing out dangerous people and situations that might impact your well-being.

And finally, plan ahead. Most horror stories I’ve heard begin with, “My car broke down and my cell phone died…” or “I looked everywhere for my friends, but they had left the club without me and I didn’t have any money so…” etc. Everywhere you go, plan on having an escape hatch. Keep your cell charged and on you at all times. Always carry a little cash just in case. And when relying on friends for rides home from strange neighborhoods and parties etc, have a meeting plan. If they don’t show up, you can call a cab with your cell phone and pay in cash.

As an adult, have you ever felt completely wronged by someone? Have you ever felt like something was 100% someone else’s fault? I’m not talking about getting rear-ended in traffic, I’m talking about the profound issues like violation of your personal space.

When you experience a loss of control, it is often accompanied by a deep sense of victimization. Loss of control equals a loss of power that can transform you into a victim. Inhabiting the role of “victim” softens the blow of the trespass and can help you deal with it.

The equation is simple. It’s timeless.

The million dollar question is: Can you see what you sacrifice in order to become a victim?

The lure of victim-hood is strong. It’s a thick salve that provides instant relief. Like a newly opened blossom it’s fragrance heady and compels us to inhale it’s essence deeper and deeper until we are drunk. Yes! I was wronged. I was completely innocent. I was just standing there doing nothing, when it happened. Like a sapling swept away in the raging torrent of flood waters, I was completely powerless to stop it. The person that wronged me is evil! How could they do that to me? It’s all their fault!

When something bad happens, it’s comforting to point the finger. Our instincts tell us it’s easier to heal from a trauma when we feel it wasn’t our fault. So when another round of pain rears it’s ugly head, we put our heads in the sand, slather on a thick layer of victim-salve and hope the pain goes away.

Let me be clear: It’s crucial to not blame yourself. The idea that any person “asked for it” is insane. That’s not up for discussion.

What is on the table is weighing the short-term benefit of blaming someone else completely versus the long-term effect of that strategy. The problem is, when you give someone else 100% of the blame, you give them 100% of your personal power. Being a victim means not having the power to change what happened. A very risky prospect and a seriously dangerous habit that can turn into an addiction as destructive as crack.

You do not have to blame yourself in order to see your role in the situation. What I’m suggesting is quite possibly one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. When something traumatic happens to you as an adult, the first order of business needs to be empowering yourself immediately. Look for ways you could have changed the outcome or prevented the scenario in the first place. Even if you realize there was something in your subconscious that contributed. This is not blame. This is accountability and it is the heart of empowerment!  And empowerment is the heart of healing.

The more you develop this “empowerment muscle”, the more natural it will feel to look for your signature on everything that has “happened to you”. It will eventually come as a relief to ferret out your role in the play of your life because it means you can change it.

Never give away your power. Don’t blame someone else and for the love of Pete, don’t blame yourself! Discover your part in the equation and commit to it. Own it. It’s 100% yours. Believe it or not, the one thing you want to give away is the one thing that will allow you to never suffer though the same scenario ever again.

Give yourself the power to have participated in some way in your trauma so you will have the power to make a different choice next time. It’s difficult, but it will put you in the express lane to healing.

Not really. Well, maybe a little. More a scathing indictment of a culture that venerates women who mutilate themselves in a desperate attempt to fit an absurd and unattainable vision of “beauty.” And Miss Montag (aka: Mrs. Pratt) is just another body on the heap of women who have caved into the pressure of abandoning their natural beauty to become a Stepford pseudo-celebrity. While companies continue to distract us with shiny objects that promise happiness via age defying – lip plumping – bun shaping items, our culture’s determination to infantilize us only contributes to our disempowerment and insecurities.

And in case you missed it, the saddest cherry on top of this olestra Sunday was an interview with Miss Montag in which she claims that in light of her ten surgeries, her message for young girls is, “that beauty is on the inside.” She must be referring to the expert series dissolving stitches and subcutaneous staples that her surgeons left for none to see.

Look, I will be the first to admit I am capital V-A-I-N. I joke about needing to call Maayco to fix the hail damage on my thighs. I color my hair red. I get threaded to remove a terrifying array of black whiskers that belong on the face of a burly Hungarian cab driver. I have a ritualistic facial regime, but it’s over the counter and doesn’t require me to wear kooky oversized floppy hats, Blu-blockers and white gloves outside. And I do freak out at the tenacious adult-onset acne that besieges my milky complexion despite my insanely clean diet and good habits.

But when I see lines on my face from tension and anxiety, I don’t get botox. I refrain from having poison injected into the muscle that is trying to tell me something. My body is showing me signs of emotional imbalance. Instead of silencing my body, I listen. I work on relaxation. Damned if those lines didn’t disappear (see my blog Yoga Botox). Someone I know who hadn’t seen me for a few months with actually asked me if I had Botox done.

Ladies. Women. Girls. For the love of Pete. If you want color your hair, pluck your brows, wax, paint, tattoo, pierce, please enjoy these superficial expressions of your personal style. If your physical accessories require a scalpel, I submit that a perspective check is needed. Nose jobs, breast enhancements and Botox injections do not have to be a normal right of passage to be acceptable and attractive.

The temptation to change ourselves physically instead of doing the emotional work is strong. Like a black Hole if you live in LA and work in the biz. Where’s the line? You’ve got to decide for yourself. As I tell my young students at middle-school Unbreakable Woman seminars, if you’re not sure, say no. After you’ve thought about it, you can always go back and decide to proceed. But you can’t undo something once it’s done.

Give your natural, god-given beauty a chance. You deserve happiness, success and abundance without changing a single thing about your looks. If something is standing between you and your dreams, may I boldly suggest that it has nothing to do with your nose, boobs, lips or eyes. If you want to under go a transformation to change your life, start with some work on your emotional landscape.

Once those scars heal, you will be radiant, magnetic and free. Everyone who responds to the “new you” will be genuinely attracted to your authenticity and your soul, which are much more compelling than a nose, boobs, lips or eyes.